| (no subject) |
[Mar. 1st, 2006|05:23 pm] |
if i could pass advice onto anyone right now it would be this...
if u are at uni and u are in the first or second year and u are not enjoying it
QUIT NOW!!
before u get to the third year and u want to kill urself when u only have 2 months left. |
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| This is very odd |
[Feb. 1st, 2006|04:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | enlightened | ] |
| [ | music |
| | silence | ] |
life seems to be going from bad to better at the moment.
Phil and I still gettin on ok, spending time together doesnt feel awkward, and i keep gettin nice compliments. and he's still sweet. being friends with him just makes sense.
been talking to other Phil (Vivaz Phil) and he's been really sweet too, saying very nice things about me, and just generally making me feel nice and not in a sleazy trying to come onto me way.
Then there's James, the sweet 1st year who's coming out with me/us on friday to XS. He's a tad scrummy and wud appear to think im rather nice. From what he says he seems to be the boy that girlies dreams are made of, but im used to being fed little white lies about romantic boys, so watch this space for updates lol
Subway is ok, cos now we all have something to talk and laugh about. Gettin on with members of staff i didnt expect to, and being rewarded by their friendship and surprised by their loyalties.
Dont work at the Pickwick anymore so once again Friday nights dancefloor will be OWNED by me and the beautiful Josephine.
Not really worried about money, or uni, or pretty much anything at the moment. Just got my results for the first half of this semester, and to be honest i dont care. They're not great, but then i dont expect to do great. I expect to do as i do. I pass, and i gain life experience.
If my stepdad falls out with me for leaving uni with a 2:2.. then what am i going to do? hate him... oh wait i already do that. is he going to disinherit me? i can hope. i will leave uni with no debts, lots of friends, and having learnt a lot of lessons about life and myself. and i cant imagine being who i am now if i hadnt gone to uni. I wouldnt have met any of the lovely people readin this, and i wouldnt have developed as a person as i believe i have. I would still live with my mum, and hate it, i dont think i would still be alive if i had spent the last 3 years living with my stepdad. i certainly wouldnt be happy. i would not have learnt things about relationships the way that living alone/with a partner has let me.
I would probably still be engaged to scott. stuck in a dead end relationship, with no happiness and sex that lasts about as long as a commercial break. instead ive experienced things that i feel privelaged to. I have coped with many things in my life and i think im still pretty lucky to be where i am.
so thank you, to anyone and everyone who has been my friend, or is my friend, or has influenced me in someway, because, today i would appear to be this way becuase at some point in my life, i met you and i dont think ive ever felt this way. but its very nice. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 21st, 2006|08:51 pm] |
Dont you just hate it when u get betrayed by a friend?!?!
I mean what the fuck is that all about?
Oh well... i will have the last laugh! |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 15th, 2005|11:24 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Vendetta Red | ] |
I went to Phils house!!!
and met his Dad!!!
Hollie will understand the importance of above events!
*dances around like a tit*
ooh and i now have contact lenses! tis very odd, and have in the past 12 hours tried to put my glasses on aswell TWICE and had Peter Parker moment where i realise i dont need them anymore only to remember that i am infact still blind but already have my lenses in.
WEIRD!
and some new hair straighteners which seem to be doing ok.
I dont like not having anything resting on my nose or behind my ears as ive been wearing glasses for about 13 years now. Phil kindly offered to rest his finger behind my ear, but then told me in a week i'd have to have them pinned back lol.
Everythings going so well with Phil, he made me cry in Leeds town centre on Tuesday, but thats only the 2nd time in 3 months which by my standards is astonishing. Well i better get my case studies done today as they're due in tomorrow and i have the subway xmas meal tonite. They're better not be stupid drunken antics at the meal cos i'll just leave.
tiddly peeps |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 13th, 2005|10:22 pm] |
Just had the most fantastical sex undoubtedly of my entire life, and just thought i would make myself giggle by telling you all! hehehe
well... duty calls lmao
xXx |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 1st, 2005|03:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Radio one meh | ] |
Apologies to anyone who has already read this on myspace...
I am bored.
Bored and pissed off. Lots of little things seem to be bothering me at the moment.
I want a christmas. I'm not going to get a normal christmas this year. I want a mother I can talk to. In fact no, scrap that. I want to be 10 years old again, and convince my mother that making me move in with my now stepdad is a really bad idea.
I want to talk to my dad 10 years ago and tell him that having one autistic child is enough to deal with and it really wouldnt be wise to have another child. I want to be blunt with him and explain that when he dies, I will not be able to be the guardian to my two half brothers, one of which will need a full time carer.
I want a new job where I can have as many piercings as I want and will be able to wear them all the time. I have someone who will pierce me, and i know the piercings i want, and the only thing thats holding me back is the fact that i give a shit about other people and their opinions/views.
I never talk about my problems and its about time someone listened to me when i choose to open up about them. I'm always the one who puts others first and i never get it in return. I dont like acting like the victim and fishing for sympathy but i'm starting to realise that talking to people about my problems doesnt have to be that way. The things i've been through in my life make me the person that I am, and if you are my friend and/or are interested in me as a person, it means that you will be a better friend to me, or will know/understand more about me if you know what i've been through. And i dont want it to be some sort of competition, where i've been through something, so you have to better it with something worse or whatever. I listen to peoples problems, and i try to help, with comforting words, a hug or just a keen ear and an open mind. Why is it so difficult for other people to be that way?
The world would be a better place if everyone didnt have issues. But lets face it that aint ever gonna happen.
Well if you've actually read through all this drivel then congratulations |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 17th, 2005|03:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  ecstatic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Gratitude | ] |
wooo alkaline trio in 5 hours and counting.
cant stop thinking bout how terrificly amazing its gonna be woooooooooooooooooooo
plus i get to go for a long ride in phils pretty car :) yeay hehe
will update with details tomorrow
laters xx |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 9th, 2005|01:01 pm] |
phil is a bummer.
he made me cry.
dont want to hate him.
want to tell him how much i actually like him.
but he would run away faster than ... well faster than a really fast thing.
he says i over-analyse whats going on between us.
thats only cos he seems to be constantly changing his own mind. how am i supposed to begin to understand when he's so hot and cold with me in that sense.
i want to be happy with the way we are at the moment, but just when im content he acts like ive asked him to marry me or something.
i want to make him make decision, in an all or nothing fashion, but i know he'd chose nothing, and im far too delicate to cope with that immeadiate rejection.
going home to cry and make porridge. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 31st, 2005|02:21 pm] |
Wooooo life is slowly looking up. I've done 1000 words of my essay and found some more references to put in it. now all ive gotta do is a make a fucking 15 minute presentation to go with it.
so tired from lack of sleep, but it was well worth going to hollie and ross's party last night had a right old giggle, mainly at how drunk assisstant manager of Subway (Dan) was. Oh if only i could use it against him to get him sacked then we could have Dan as our assisstant manager.
for once last night when i got in i couldnt be arsed to tidy my room so just lifted my duvet and crawled in and kicked everything else onto the floor. phil was not to be found in my bed so went to sleep lonely and very cold.
had a heart to heart with nadia whilst sat on the stairs in my tutu and fairy wings and didnt really think about how silly i must have looked. discussed everything from stepdad angst to scott/laura/rapist angst. i dont think im ever going to truly get over what scott put me through, and im having ever more increasing vivid flashbacks and im trying to not let them get the better of me. i dont understand why though. ive never really had them till now, but when im alone in my room, they just happen and i still feel so violated. i swear i just want him to die for what he did. But because i dont want people to think i have serious issues and avoid me like the plague i have to think about nice things, like clouds and bunnies, and phil *sighs*.
phils put a post on bmezine about his tattoos and i get a mention as (and I quote) "his lady", which may sound kinda pathetic to most, but at this moment in time it means the world to me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 21st, 2005|12:05 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Head Automatica (again) | ] |
i want to kill my lecturer. any handy tips that mean i could get away with it?
saying that my incredible un-challenged knowledge of CSI should mean i can do it on my own.
mwuahahaha
hehe x
p.s. today i'm happy. phil is so pretty. he got his tattoo's outline finished yesterday and i have to go back on tuesday to get a map of mine drawn out so i can plan my chestpiece relative to whats already there. oooh gettin closer to more ink!! yeay! so looking forward to going out tonite. havent been out on a friday in a fortnight and it feels like forever! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 12th, 2005|04:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  @ boys | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Nadia's iPod as mine is dead | ] |
I hate the fact that Phil considers himself single, where as i blatantly don't.
I dont want a fuck buddy. And why is having a girlfriend so much more daunting than having someone you spend all your time with, sleep with, do couple-y things with, act all cute with etc etc?!!?!
Urgh boys really are a weird race. And pretty boys are the weirdest.
Damn him. Damn hin all the way to Thornton-Le-Dale in his pretty car. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 10th, 2005|01:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  worried | ] |
Oh was yesterday funny or what?!
Kerry asked Lauren to inform me that when she's (Lauren) not around that she (Kerry) is in charge and Lauren basically just told her to fuck off. And Tarrek and Sam were still asking me what to do, and asking permission for things and Kerry just kept getting madder and madder which really made my day and I had a permanent stupid grin all day. She even went to the lengths of telling me what to do even though she was giving me all the stuff i enjoy doing and was gonna do anyway. "Oh no Kerry, please don't send me upstairs to do what I wanna!" etc
After work just chilled out at home, finally took some of the stuff i still had in boxes from when i moved in, realised i could utilise some of my wardrobe space so now i am one huge cardboard box down with bout 3 to go. But they're all full of clothes i dont wear.
Spent last night txting Karl after Sophie informed me he's started smoking. Of all the people in the world to start smoking i never expected it would be karl. I'm so angry at him. After everything I went through with him, all the counselling i did, all the times i was there for him, all the shit i had to put up with because he was mentally ill after went he went through as a kid all stemming from the death of his mum he starts fucking smoking?? why dont i just bang my head against a brick wall? he confessed that he's had a few the other day when he got stressed cos his girlfriend is even more fucked up than he is?! but then he tells sophie that he's started doing it all the time?! and then he gets angry at me and sophie cos she told me?! she's my best friend for crying out loud does he not think she's going to tell me?! sorry i keep doing ?! a lot.
i want him to break up with donna, i mean he was bad before when we were together, but he went on holiday to peru and came back a totally different guy. I'd never seen him so happy or content. Now he's got her and he's pissed every night and he starts smoking, i mean whats next? drugs?
in a way i just wanna draw a line under our friendship, i dont owe him anything and he doesnt really owe anything to me, but it would be such a waste, and as much as it hurts me to see him slowly destrying my self and that i realise i shoud just walk away, i know that i can help him. If i've helped him through everything else so far then i can help him with this, it will be like a fucking walk in the park but he has to want me to help him or he wont let me in.
On a lighter note... um... cant think of anything. Oh shit.
D x |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 9th, 2005|11:32 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the silence of the library | ] |
Ooh new location. I'm in scarborough library, never ever been here before and its the perfect place to give me a panic attack. you're not facing everyone and everyone is behind you no matter where u sit and already i'm feeling uncomfortable.
had to borrow the £1 off Josephine to get in to this god forsaken place, and even go into Costas to ask Jamie where the library is. Today is not going well. Not to mention the battery in my iPod died before i even left the house. How does it run down in my bag when it switched off. I'm starting to believe Phil and his theory of 'Ninja Barbies' that crawl around in the night... i mean... how would you know??!! they're fricking ninjas!!
For some reason i had the overwhelming urge to sleep the wrong way round on my bed last night.. how odd am i? sleeping wasnt any different except all my pillows fell off the foot of my bed so i've got a bitch of a neckache. That will teach me to go with my ideas. Had the weirdest dream (again) of all my teeth falling out, which is apparently one of the most common dreams people have, according to my defining dreams book, can't remember off the top of my head what it actually means though if dreams are supposed to mean anything.
Got Subway in 20 minutes, and i find it quite comical and really fuckign annoying that Kerry thinks she's in charge. If she gets promoted above me i odnt care how petty it sounds but im fucking walking out then and there. Was thinking last night about the subway staff and if i am to count correctly, after Kelly hands her notice in next week there will only be 5 original members of staff left, Zoe (the manager), Dan (cockhead assisstant manager), me, Lauren and Jo. But that can't be right, not that many people can seriously have escaped. i envy them. i want a job where i can have my piercigns and tattoos proudly on display. and one where i can give dickheads abuse if they give it to me. and over £5 an hour would be good.
Depending on what happens between me and Phil, my drive to be a SuicideGirl has been postponed. Being with him means more to me than taking my clothes off for money.
Diane x |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 7th, 2005|02:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
Oh dear how much does today suck ass. I fucking hate Sunil Shastri. I mean he teaches the important stuff but I dont understand a fucking word that comes out of his mouth. His pronunciation sucks and i swear it took me bout 5 minutes for one of his words to click in my lecture this afternoon.
Been txting SCRUMMY phil and he's at home with no electricity the poor thing. Still don't think i can call him my boyfriend which kinda sucks. But we're both edge so it's not like we're gonna fuck around behind eachothers backs. Spending time with him makes me feel so pretty and girly. I still dont know what he sees in me but i'm certainly not complaining. I literally could just talk bout how yummy he is all day... but i wont.
Why do weekends suck so bad? I fucking hate working at Subway now. I just feel like they walk all over me. I work my ass off and for what? £5.15 an hour? I'd rather go back to getting £4.50 an hour and having the old manager back. Ben was such a legend. He should be coming up to see us all soon, when's half term? Well i'm sure i'll know when it is cos you cant walk thru scarborough town centre in half term without wanting to knock some little twats head off.
I am sooo poor. I hope my mum's put some money in my account. I'm out three nights a week and that sure as hell aint gonna change but i only spend bout £5 monday and wednesday then £10 on a friday which in a week is still less than most people spend in a night. Aaggh there's the moral high ground again. I'll end on a high. I'm not a pain in the ass edge-r but i fucking love it. |
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